Bartered Love
Do you ever hear the following words in your head?: “I don’t even matter”, “I just get thrown out like trash”, “No one sees me”, I’m not even here”, “Why would you love me”, “It’s because I did not do enough, give enough, was not good enough that they are gone”, “I want to disappear”, “Why don’t they just love me”
If the answer is yes, then you may have also heard the following words come out of your mouth: “Why are you here”, “What are you going to give me, do for me, make me feel”, “I’m done with you, I don’t need you anymore”, “You mean nothing to me”, “I just want you to disappear”, “You are no longer valuable to me”, “I don’t love you”, “I don’t need you”, “You don’t even matter”. For some, the latter statements are more easily displayed in passive aggressive methods that sabotage a relationship, rather than said out right. This is because the replay of abandonment may cause extreme guilt, making it is necessary for one to create a scenario that makes the other person want to leave on their own, or somehow provoke that other person to display an extremely offensive act that makes them ‘deserve’ to be abandoned. Even in this case, the underlying statements still exist within the intention as the set up for sabotage is played out. Feeling devalued and abandoned, at any age or time, can cause severe trauma. This trauma removes ones ability to find value in self and others without tangible merit. This presents the need to relate to others based on what emotional deficit they satisfy or what tangible equity they provide. This tangible merit is crucial because the concept of worthiness simply by existing has been completely eradicated in order to soothe and therefore rationalize the trauma of being thrown away, invaluable, and made to feel worthless. What is tangibly quantifiable as valued is then exchanged for love. The design of Divine Love, which is a quality of ones spirit and does not need to be paid for, bartered or exchanged for tangible equity, is all but completely dismissed. Whatever idea one has assigned the concept of ‘God’ or ‘Higher Power/Self”, if any, is also held to this flawed premise. Instead of feeling love unconditionally, simply for the sake of being, one adds judgment, guilt, shame and punishment to the equation making it impossible to accept Divine Love without some sort if caveat attached to it. For example, when one feels in some way unfavored, disadvantaged or generally unloved it is rationalized into stories that sound like ‘God’ is punishing, shaming, or administering an otherwise unlearned ‘lesson’. This rationalization sets up a simple system of bartering with which the traumatized psyche can feel some sense of justification for and control of the experience of love. Otherwise, it does not compute; after all, “I was not loved just because I’m here, therefore THAT is impossible”. This person will struggle to attach some type of tangible expression of value to everyone, including themselves, to quantify the giving and receiving of love. What can be given, performed as an act or duty, or otherwise bartered for the experience of love becomes equal to personal value. When that exchange can no longer happen, or breaks down in equity, the person feels that same abandonment as if it is happening in real time again. Similarly, the impulse to abandon others when love is not being reciprocated is almost instinctual. Any deficit, whether in emotion or tangible equity causes the repeat of emotional trauma. Therefore abandoning the entire experience is a defense mechanism. The expression of love must be met by some type of tangible exchange or the fear of either losing love or feeling the need to take love away occurs. Divine Love is a quality that one has and focuses toward others without asking for anything in return. It is completely different from earned trust and discerning who to interact with and how to show love, as an action. Divine Love allows one to recognize the value of life and unique presence in every being. It does not stop flowing based on what a person does or does not do, gives or does not give. It just IS. It is a quality that allows one to find value in the simple existence of another being. How we choose to include another person in our experience is a judicious process. The ability to acknowledge that a person’s life and presence are valuable, no matter how we choose to include them in our life experience, influences how we see ourselves and others. Our preferences govern how we add and exclude experiences in our lives. If the emotional content of these decisions are heavy and agonizing, one must examine their initial reasons for making the choices. Choices based on emotional trauma and deficit will always duplicate those same feelings for you. Choosing to exclude toxic relationships is healthy. Repeatedly having to abandon them is an indication that you are repeatedly choosing them to begin with. Healing occurs when value is reassigned to self, without tangible merit. This starts with redirecting negative self-talk into positive self-affirming observations. Take every opportunity to acknowledge the things you love about yourself, no matter how small, without focus on how others see you. Do you limit your love for yourself to what you can ‘get right’, or how much you accomplish? Change that behavior to one of positive reinforcement instead of beating yourself up. Setting up circumstances where you are alone and experiencing joy, love and happiness helps to remove the need for an outside source of love that must be bartered for. This does not require total seclusion, or separation from others. Although it may in many ways feel like just that, the feeling of loneliness and exclusion is temporary. You may ver well have relationships that do not fit this model! Examine those choices and understand why you made them. These will more than likely be examples of how Divine Love has made its way into your experience despite your patterns of sabotage. Repetition, trial & error will reveal that being with ones self is quite ok. What do you like about yourself? What do you find joy in about yourself? Finding out how you see yourself as valuable, without using the eyes of others is important. Who are you without what others see/say? Often the emulation of others has replaced the willingness to try new choices for fear of making a choice that yields an undesirable outcome. So what if you make a ‘bad’ choice? You have many opportunities to make another one that suits you better. Learning how to make great decisions for yourself based on knowing who you are and what you like, without others’ opinions is worth any momentary embarrassment! Being visible to yourself first is more doable than you may think. Consequently, loving ones self...just because, is as well! It does not happen in one occasion, and overtime will require the cessation of reenacting abandonment within relationships. A seemingly superficial deed at first, eventually becomes a real, heartfelt choice to love self and others just because they exist, without having to throw anyone away. The process of being judicious about where people belong in ones life then more balanced and less emotionally charged. Decisions can then be made without bartering for love, or overextending emotional currency in attempts to ‘buy’ (or keep) love. The impulse to discard people from ones experience when they no longer barter (for whatever reason) anymore stops, as well as the fear of being abandoned when one believes they are not able to deliver the same tangible equity anymore (“my job/function/worth is done here”). The concept of being loved for just being the unique presence that you are is then conceivable. Your vibration about being seen, valued and loved will change and you will attract proof of that. Better, more rational choices can then be made, resulting in healthier relationships and a wholeness that is a magnet for lasting love relationships!
