Lines in the Sand
There are definitely distinctions between friends, lovers and associates (who are better described as ‘outsiders’, since I’m being honest and personal here). I make very little room inside my inner circle. I see myself as an exclusive club, to whom access is extremely discriminatory. With that being said, I will also add that there is no governing fairness or guidebook. I choose as I see fit. Even the knowledge of how to determine where lines of distinction are drawn is not easily come by...often discussed by necessity only. These boundaries are usually experienced in the details of interaction. However, the level of responsibility I accept for this behavior is great. When the lines get blurry, or for any reason seem to be crossed, I employ my strength of effective communication.
Where action and behavior do not communicate well, spoken words definitely do. I see many situations around me where the spoken communication is altogether missed and assumption put in its place. Can you say, DISASTER? Even if the other person is a self proclaimed mind reader, the burden of responsibility is mine to ASK QUESTIONS when the line in the sand on MY beach has been crossed (or even too closely approached). I can never feel that I have given too much or allowed one to go too far without first having made that line visible to the other person. Also, boundaries are meant to be no crossing zones. They establish agreements and understandings. I have learned that having boundaries is not enough. I have communicated boundaries in the past and have also allowed those boundaries to continuously be crossed for all type of rationalized circumstances and situations. It took authenticity and commitment to what is important to me to remember why those boundaries were there in the first place. As a result, I have been better able to not make exceptions. I like knowing that my own decisions determine who is allowed into the most precious areas of my spirit. It is my responsibility to give clearance to these areas judiciously. When I don’t take care and do this properly, I cannot blame the other person. I may not like it very much, but I must NOT blame the other person for what I allow to happen or continue.
The opportunities others may have taken to cross into precious areas of my life without question or careful concern were usually not malicious. Simply, others will take as much as you are willing to give. It felt good to them, period. Therefore, I learned to monitor my level of involvement and openness. When I feel concern, or any level of discomfort where the nature of the relationship may need to be renegotiated (or simply reiterated), I can do so in peace. There is so much right with saying, “Thank you for being interested in that, however I believe it is a bit outside the boundaries of our current relationship.” Depending on whether or not I intend to explore modifications with a person, that statement can be tweaked; the sentiment however stays the same. I cannot make others responsible for my emotions, boundaries or assumptions (which I practice NOT making).
Wanting to renegotiate is also something that requires communication. When I have made clear lines in the sand, I must make it clear if the line becomes no longer applicable. Effective ways to do this varies greatly from person to person, when all else fails just SAY what your intentions are. Keep an open mind and a clear head, the other person may not want to renegotiate! Being vulnerable is how this works. If that bothers you, then just keep your boundaries right where they are. Being able to handle outcomes that you did not expect is a requirement for tasks such as this. If you’re still worried about what might happen if you are rejected, then stay right where you are. Maintain your lines and do not push the boundaries of others - you’re not ready. Boundaries work both ways, always remember that.
This brings me to the subject of being a fire starter. For those of us who are a bit mischievous and like to test boundaries, play with fire, and so on and so forth... be ready to get burned. However, be respectful and follow the lead of the other person to some resonable degree. Know with whom you are starting fires because you may set off a completely unwanted relationship destroying bomb instead. I’m going to just leave that right there.
Contact me! How are you practicing healthy boundaries? Where in your life are you learning more about what you want, need and will not compromise on? In what areas do you need the most strengthening? Blessings!
